i remember you.

there was your warmth,
and there was darkness when you left.

Everything slipped away—
empty days, I lost it all.

We were as close as breath to skin,
perhaps even closer.

I liked your eyes watching me,
your hands touching me.
I spent many days thinking, longing, waiting.

In my sleep, I tried to forget—

a dream where you left the moment I opened my eyes.
It felt as if sleep was an escape,
in this silence, I glimpsed a light,
a way to live without you.
After all, it wasn't you.

I want to be fine without you.
As I tried to recall how things were between us,

how our eyes met,
how you stayed—
then it all got blurry.

A table for two,
unsettled emotions,

and how you broke me,
staring into my shadow.
I let it die there.

I wonder at this hour,
how have you been?

Maybe—

we were always just a maybe.

Since that day, I’ve been lost.

But still, I keep walking,
carrying a pain I will never fully understand.
And yet, I don't want to be fine without you.

--

a poetry i made back then. unpublished til now.

totally forgot how it felt like writing this back then, tapi karena bagus jadi di post.

about overthinking...

 this post will be a friendly reminder that I had once go through a very stressful life.

tapi sekarang sih udah enggak ya.

ada masanya semua hal menjadi masalah,

kecil ataupun besar, pokoknya harus diributin.

gue tidak menemukan satu hari tenang pun dalam hidup,

padahal berisiknya gue yang ciptain sendiri.

terganggu macetnya jalanan, suara bising, sifat orang yang annoying.

ketakutan akan masa depan, kebencian mendalam kepada orang,

tendensi untuk mengontrol situasi secara berlebihan, sesuai dengan keinginan.

ingin dipahami orang, kecewa bila tidak dihargai.

tak dapat dipungkiri,

gue adalah anak kecil yang merasa dirinya telah dewasa.

padahal sudah baca buku stoic, tapi tidak dipahami dengan hati.

paham teori, tapi tidak dengan praktiknya.

bersyukur bisa sampe di titik sadar kalau semua sebetulnya bukanlah masalah.

kalau semua ini hanyalah gue vs pikiran gue sendiri.

kayaknya gua tambah tua deh

semenjak kenalan sama lower back pain.

hobi gua tidur siang dan tidur malem gak bisa malem-malem.

mulai demen makan hotpot dan minum kuah-kuah.

stamina makin lemah, mulai mencari tips hidup lebih sehat.

udah lupa marah-marah,

kalo ada masalah, dianggap gak ada aja.

all jokes aside, i finally find my zen on somewhere in end of August this year.

Been living like a proper adult for 1-2 months by now.

Getting more stoic day by day.

Sekarang udah bener-bener bisa bengong dan enjoy hidup di tengah ketidakpastian dunia.

Bisa bilang gapapa yang beneran gapapa juga.

I am happy where I am today.

And I won't worry that much of tomorrow.

I believe, God provides me.

i am not just getting older, but feeling older.

penulisjournal.